August 18, 2014

I write so many words about my Controller that I wonder if I'm really getting her significance. I paint her as an evil figure, looming over me, subtly destroying my confidence and my life. Clearly, she is not that. She is me. She just feels adversarial to me.

How did I let a natural part of me grow into a monster? How would she feel about being called a monster?

Well, how is it for you having me see you as unwelcome and the source of my pain?

C: You are not taking responsibility. You make me the bad guy but you asked me to protect you.

I hurt so much from your indictments.

C: Let's tell the truth. You don't hurt that much from me now. In fact, you use me as you want and I do a good job for you. When you wanted me to inflate, I did. Now you have deflated me. Stop with the whining. I am not the problem here.

You're right. I'm having trouble identifying the problem and I so want to.

C: Maybe there isn't a problem. Maybe this is life when you are not identified with your powerless Child.

Yes, it's that identification that necessitates the need for a Controller to hide behind. 

C: You asked for protection, you got it. Are you ready to feel all your feelings now?

Absolutely, I am. 

C: Then use me for details. Stop blaming me.

Her point is that if I fully embrace my life experience, passionately and without reservation, I won't use her inappropriately. That is so true. She developed and grew when I wanted to limit my feelings but I don't need to do that now. 

I need to trust that my days will be meaningful. I need to allow the powerless Child to grow up. The intensity of my feelings has always made it easy to identify with them, even when I tried not to. But now my feelings come and pass and I go on. I don't need a Controller to limit my feelings and I know I'm not powerless.

Knowing I'm not powerless comes from my spiritual partnership and trust in Life. Especially since I've been meditating daily with the group, I feel aware of and close to the currents of my days. I respect the flows and I honor their wisdom. 

So, I won't beat up on my Controller any longer. She did just what I asked. And she's right, she's not a problem. Life as an Adult isn't about problem solving but about growing to meet challenges. She doesn't help me do that but I don't need her to. I have everything I need. When I move into my powerless Child I forget that; I fear, and I start thinking (using my Controller inappropriately). 

I had missed that subtle step of fearing. The truth is that Life will show me how to move through my challenges. I am not alone and I am not forgotten. 

Note to myself: Remember you are powerful beyond imagination. As long as you sty in your Adult and allow.

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