August 28, 2014

I am happy this morning. Yesterday I called the daughter who resists me and realized she is afraid. I experience her as controlling. I was withdrawing from her and making her wrong. When I talked to myself, stayed in my Adult, and called her, some block dispersed. I had allowed myself to move into my powerless Child and I projected my controlling Parent onto her. My fear of controlling folks is longstanding but I won't tolerate it anymore. 

I actually don't care how I fear at this point. I'm in my final phase and if I don't confront my fears now, it won't happen. And that thought I won't tolerate. I've been so crippled by my fear. No wonder I have trouble walking!

I wondered if it were an "inspiration" yesterday when the thought occurred to forget the evening medication dose. I already have insomnia and with that being the first side effect of the meds, I was sleeping less. I didn't get tired in the evening and I couldn't fall asleep. I, also, didn't feel rested in the morning after my interrupted sleep. For 19 days I followed the directions for taking the meds thinking the side effects would diminish. Instead I was getting more tired, a little depressed, and feeling uninterested in walking. When a group participant mentioned action he was taking to correct a sleep problem, I decided to take action, too. Then the "inspiration."  I welcomed sleepiness at bedtime. I fell asleep and awoke intermittently as is my usual schedule. I had slept almost five hours when I awoke at 1:30am. I felt relieved and rested.

Because I felt better for having slept, my swim went better. The pool was colder than yesterday with no one else in it. I asked my spirit team, Jeremiah, to help me swim a 1/2 mile. I finished 3/4 mile and received the endorphins (which doesn't happen at 1/2 mile). I was elated.

I still initially think in terms of reward from a Parent for doing good work. I know that isn't the case with God. But moving out of my powerless Child and into my Adult removed some fogginess which allowed life to happen more easily. It wasn't God saying, Good girl. It was me seeing more clearly and accurately. I am so glad I studied psychology and practiced and understand my inner world. That seems like the basis for understanding personality. The spiritual truths complete the picture beautifully.  This is what helps me heal, not focusing on a diagnosis or pathology. 

And I do think I notice a slight improvement in my walking since the phone call with the daughter yesterday. Wishful thinking? We'll see.

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