August 30, 2014

Yesterday, last night, and this morning I've been somewhere and back again. Friday is my  injection day. I did the injection between 4 and 4:30. If side effects occur, it's usually three hours later. Most frequently the side effects have been physical--flu like symptoms. Occasionally, I have noticed a slight depression which has lifted

Last night I felt the most depressed I've felt in years. It was the familiar hopelessness, the barrel- bottom stuckness, and the overwhelming sense of lostness. All the feelings I've known but I haven't felt with such intensity this decade. The feelings came on fast after the injection but I had been low all day. I was feeling unclear and uncertain. Then in the middle of the night despair draped me. Suicide seemed reasonable and urgent. I've always told myself that if I commit suicide I won't do it impulsively but after six months of thought. Last night I felt a huge push to act quickly.

I knew it was from the drug and that it would wear off and, surely, it did. This morning  I swam a mile and felt better. Two women meditated with me at noon. I had sat down early but couldn't generate any momentum on my own. The three of us did a powerful 45 minutes. I am so grateful folks will meditate with me for that reason--the increased power. At the end, I felt centered and accepting and pretty OK. A miracle.

Then collecting my mail I encountered another feather. Yesterday I had asked for a feather but didn't find one. Today a small white feather suspended on an invisible reed fluttered in the breeze, casting a baby shadow. The feather hovered like a hummingbird two inches above the sidewalk. Another miracle.

When I ask for such big gifts as a clear brain MRI next year and total physical healing, I get big challenges. Certainly for the intensity and the pain I went through last night I expect some major unfolding. That's been my experience. In my emotionality it's like a block calcified around old feelings disintegrates and I can be more present in the moment. So when the uncomfortableness comes, I know there will be an opening eventually. I don't understand the pain although an image of an abandoned child came--me when breastfeeding ended prematurely with feelings of overwhelming fear and lostness. Maybe that's the basis, maybe not. I'm not going to think about it but I am available to experience my feelings. It's so clear Spirit is at work.  I will follow and trust and come back to the path when I stray into my thoughts. Always I trust.

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