August 6, 2014

I watch myself make changes. Last week I bought clothes unlike what I usually wear. I've altered my swimming to include more water aerobics and fewer laps. Sleep eludes me even when I'm very tired.

I noticed when a friend described her Controller's sabotaging interventions. I wanted to say, Why don't you tell your Controller to buzz off? This morning I realize I'm seeing myself. I've wondered about suicide as a way to escape my Critic's relentless hateful messages but why haven't I told her loudly to be still? She deserves my fury. In response to outer world adversaries I've not been able to fight back or even to feel the rancor necessary to launch an attack. I could rationalize my passivity, but the truth was I couldn't do otherwise. That's how my father was. He would get so angry but it all went inside. I know that frustration. 

It's so clear that my Controller is wrong. No doubt she's just misguided and needs my help to learn and grow but I don't care about helping her right now. I just want her to leave me alone and to stop pulling the rug out from under me. I like that metaphor because that is exactly how it feels. I think I'm anchored but then the ground shifts. 

I'm tired of feeling bad about myself. I'm tired of the self-hate. I'm tired of trying to be different and hoping someone notices and approves. I'm tired of doing what I've been doing and I choose something different.

These wallpaper issues are based upon assumptions it's hard to question since they are hard to see. What I've always believed has led to poor self-esteem but it's so basic that it requires a radical shaking free at the base to even notice that my foundation falters.

I have remained identified with my passive Child way beyond the time that was appropriate to release. I don't need to hold onto old feelings. Now I can take care of myself and I can use my words to establish my boundaries. I am respected in the world. Now I can form a good life for myself. I don't need my Controller, the manufactured figure who steps in to stop the action when my Child is prominent instead of my Adult.

I don't need to feel intimidated or afraid or unsure that God is with me in this, the biggest project of my life.

I've had a pattern of not quite making it to the end of projects successfully. I start well enough but I peter out before I reach a satisfying conclusion. Well, not this time. Now I believe in myself or rather I trust in my alignment with Source. I know that God believes in me and that God is with me. God always has been but my Controller has blocked God. When I doubt or expect abandonment, I'm not fully present. But those are the accrued subtle wallpaper dynamics built upon decades of experience with other humans  which trip me up.

God loves me entirely, without restrictions. God is willing to partner with me in the project of healing myself. My doubt will cancel that partnership. I need to proceed knowing that all is well and I am well and I am what I want. See the final truth. Know it real now. Practice the winner vibe. Let my Controller retire. Forget all those outer world controllers. No more criticism. No more antagonism, no more hate.  I am a winner and my knowing it is all that counts.

This is especially important for me to know now since my walking isn't improving. I can't see the path to perfect walking though I affirm that. I do see improvement in my alignment and my inner world equilibrium. I'm trusting that God is working in ways I don't see. The new medication comes tomorrow. I am hopeful. I trust God's unseen plan. I focus on vibrational reality and not manifest reality. 

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