July 10, 2014

Speaking with my friend, Karen, I described my overwhelming feelings of love for Rob, now 17. I met him as an infant when he lived next door. One day his mother carried him as I walked toward them. He reached out to me and I held him. "That's the first time he's ever done that," she said. At that second something in my heart shifted and immediately I loved him.

When I saw him last week I felt the same flood of emotion. I've not felt that before and never for an adult. I adore Rob and, although he's a great person, my reaction is totally without reason. Something instinctual exists in me towards him. I don't know if it's reciprocal.

Karen said, "You experienced what it's like to be a mother." I guess so. The love is boundless. And it scares me a bit. I trust this isn't a coincidence, feeling a depth of love I haven't known at this time when healing my body is uppermost for me.   

I saw the physical therapist today and we focused on core exercises. The first decline I noticed at menopause was that I couldn't tuck my hips under. After that, many other losses ensued. One by one I have regained abilities I lost in the order I lost them but I haven't been able to force or to choose to tuck my hips under. Now I can feel that happening. I can effect it for a few minutes consciously but I also notice that it is happening without my attention.

Is this connected to loving Rob? To loving? Is my heart experience connected to my walking?

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