July 13, 2014

This chronic condition necessitates lots of rest. Yesterday was a great day--my walking felt easier, I  laughed with a friend at lunch outside. Life doesn't get better.

Today I feel the effects of yesterday's weekly dose of meds and I just want to rest. I did shop for a swimsuit, a minorly traumatic experience in a small dressing room with a large, close mirror. It makes me want to cycle in the gym to firm my legs. But the reality is that no matter how much my Controller wants me to take action, I am limited. I have learned that when I rest, I recover. I don't know how much rest is required or how long recovery will take, but I have no other choice. 

My Controller has appropriated Sunday mornings when I can't go to the gym early. I arise at 4:30. wash the sheets, do some housework, replace the sheets, maybe wash a load of clothes, and catch up with the papers on my desk. I leave for the pool for a 1/2 mile swim at 7:40. I'm at church before 10 but feel myself getting drowsy during the service. Now that I have the meditation group at noon I come home and shift my focus but stay alert. A nap follows sometime in the afternoon but my Controller wants to do something with the day.

This is not the half of life for my Controller to dominate. She's done her best but her day has past. She hasn't accepted that entirely. Any glimmer of relief and she perks up. My challenge is to use her in small and short ways and to constantly practice allowing. Always I need to be anchored in the present second, paying attention. Why is that so hard to accept? It feels like a loss but a wise loss. Surely, I have learned something from all my years of driving myself. Why resist wisdom?  

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