July 2, 2014

My inner word is amazing. A day or two before I clearly receive an insight, I'm unfocused and anxious. I notice that I overeat and miss sleep. My routine deteriorates.

The clarity comes when I'm not focusing on myself. I'm swimming or driving or watching television and the issue becomes clear. I experience an emotional awakening, complete with feelings belonging to the past. Suddenly I see how the current situation re-creates an old unhealed one. Staying in my adult I can watch it resolve in the present. What a relief. And a surprise. It's all about allowing.

Although I'm currently focused on physical healing, I'm getting lessons about giving and receiving love. Admittedly, they are terrific, just unexpected. The love thing has always been frustrating for me. Relationships of every kind have challenged me. Finally, at 50 I surrendered. I moved to a small town, I practiced stillness. I told myself I would accept solitude. It was a relief to not resist. And a surprise that loneliness doesn't come from being alone.

I learned that my attitude toward myself had more impact on my experience than other folks' behavior. While previously I had expected my feelings to be changed by what happened to me, I learned that my feelings create what happens to me. The movement is from the inside out. I learned that I can spend much time alone and have it be exhilarating or depressing depending upon which subpersonality talks to me. My Inner Critic wants me dead and tells me loudly. If I allow her to go on and if I believe her, I head down a self-destructive path. If I turn around and confront her and stay in my Adult, I am empowered.

It's all about the inner work. The world I experience is different from the world anyone else experiences because my inner world is different from theirs. I can't help them because they are creating their experience from inside as am I. That's why meditation is so important.

I'm relying on meditation for my physical healing. This week I'm offering meditation groups every day at noon at my house. I want to uplevel my practice and meditating with others helps so much.


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