July 22, 2014

My experience today illustrates the power of the momentum of thought. I drove to a new client's home 20 minutes away from my home. I felt irritated and pessimistic about her before I met her. The phone conversation with the client and her caregiver to arrange the initial appointment was distorted and confused. I had decided we probably would not work together well and that this trip was really a waste of my time.  

Even though the caregiver's directions were fine, I couldn't follow them. I didn't turn at the stop sign as she had specified, rationalizing that it wasn't the correct stop sign. I drove around for twenty minutes, growing increasingly lost. I anticipated calling her and saying I couldn't find the house so we can't meet. When I gave up the struggle and headed back toward the freeway, I found the streets that corresponded to her directions and came upon the house in short order.

Our meeting was fine. The client was a lovely elderly lady, confined to a wheelchair with no hope of improvement with her chronic pain. Of course, she is depressed. But I know how to practice presence in an apparently hopeless situation and was glad to sit with her.

My pissy mood on the way over was infantile, needless, and resulting from self-defeating thoughts. I had felt so "on track" all day but lost my sense of guidance when my mood interfered with my being present. When I lost the bad mood, all worked out well.

If I were in the client's position, 80 something with chronic pain, confined to a wheelchair, I would also be depressed. In my life it's just my Controller whining. That's not depressing; it's just stupid and irresponsible. I want to watch my mood more carefully and choose a wiser course. 

With my daily 45" meditations I'm seeing how my outer word experience reflects my inner world experience in the second. No delays, no mistakes. Whatever I'm feeling shows around me. I am definitely creating my own reality.

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