July 23, 2014

The latest Controller in my life (in an apparently never-ending line of Controllers) is a new client. Getting acquainted, we spoke frankly about her inner world, especially about her Controller who drives her. She also acknowledged her sad and hurt Child. She stated that she wishes to avoid the Child's feelings and then continued to describe her panic attacks.

Pretty easily I led her into her Child's sadness and she stayed there and allowed tears. I've never known a Controller to open up so quickly and cooperatively. I take it as a reflection of my inner Controller healing. This new client has an over-developed Controller but she is also capable of relationship and is wise enough to question the dynamics behind her panic attacks. She wants to do her work and acknowledges my input as valuable (although she didn't want to come back for a month). 

Having a relationship with my inner Controller has been a lifelong challenge. Mostly I didn't want to have a relationship with her. I didn't want to know her or hear from her. I wanted her incessant criticism of  me to stop. With this new client, I'm seeing the Controller as a deeply human figure who is confused. My Controller may cause me pain but she is hurting so much herself underneath her rough exterior. Just as I work with the client to own her feelings and feel them, I need to respect my Controller and help her to mature

That's why there have been so many Controllers in my experience. I've not done well with them but I must do well now with my interior relationship. My inner Controller seems to be the primary figure in distorting my alignment with Spirit. Her voice is so compelling and her pressure to act/stay busy/do is so familiar.

All these other Controllers over these decades were pointing my attention back inside me. I got caught up in making the various Controllers wrong, but they were just showing me myself. I didn't want to acknowledge that I have a giant size Controller in my head. But I do.

I need to look at her, to see what she is doing. But I need to listen to Spirit. I need to be inspired not driven. I need to allow not perform. Trust is more important than achievement. And being available needs to be my every minute stance.

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