July 27, 2014

Arising at 4:30am on a Sunday seems much earlier than arising at 4:30am every other day. I'm glad I'm in a routine but the rest of the world doesn't meet my schedule on Sundays. Immediately after meditation yesterday I felt myself sink into the old self-loathing pit. The ache is so familiar. I recognize the thoughts but know they are inappropriate. I talk to the Critic and tell her to stop.

The pattern is so deep. Today I watch myself move through it and I realize that that is what I need to do--just keep moving through it. If I don't react, I don't get stuck. So, just move and move and move and with continual movement, it really doesn't matter what any minute's experience is for it will soon pass. It's important not to talk or think or analyze, just to allow the ongoing movement.

That's an effective meditation when it carries me that directly into an unhealed pit. I wasn't feeling anything in particular before meditation but apparently the unseen Healer knew exactly where I needed to go.

So much sadness and shame . . . I exercise; that always helps. I remember God is not part of the self-loathing and I wonder how long until it passes. Leaving the gym in SLO I encounter a young man I usually see in the AG gym. With a huge smile he greets me by name. Something about being recognized touches me deeply. We chatted for two minutes. A young woman holds the door for me as I leave. Two acts of kindness in the midst of terrible intrapsychic abuse. I had to tolerate the abuse but God wasn't in it. I was allowing healing by letting it pass. I also felt loved. The two folks who were kind to me expressed that love. I don't know if they will ever understand how much their kindness meant on a day I was suffering. God worked through them. I feel reassured. And healed.

From this powerful experience I have learned that healing for my body happens in my consciousness. I learned that Spirit will direct the healing by carrying me in meditation where it knows I need to go. I learned that Spirit will choreograph the healing and present me with the experiences I need to heal.

Note to myself: be available and allow. The Universe will take it from there. Pay attention and don't think. 

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