June 28, 2014

Yesterday was my second injection, my first solo trial. It went fine; no big deal. I knew what to expect and handled it without emotion, quickly and easily. This afternoon I feel the "flu-like" symptoms previously advertised so I've rested. Resisting is useless. It also shows me how much I have driven myself to be active all my life. There was always a new goal and I felt uncomfortable if I weren't achieving in some way.

Now I can't force anything. So I feel the anxiety and continue resting. What else can I do?

I'm not inviting friends to walk anymore. I just decided that. My gait isn't improving as I had wanted. I'm considering the wisdom of accepting my limitations. That would be totally unlike me but the physical evidence is what it is. I can speak optimistically but my leg weakens after twenty minutes. It's happened repeatedly.

I saw the neurologist yesterday. He had seen me walk on the treadmill in the gym and told me that was ill- advised. He said I'm not exercising for endurance but to strengthen the smaller muscles on the outside of my thighs. He asked if I were still seeing the physical therapist. He said not to get too tired or too hot and not to overdo the exercise. Apparently, I have only 'old folks' goals now.

But what can I say? It sounds like a relief. He is giving me the reprieve my mind won't. So my mind is left with, Can I trust God to take care of me as well as I want? That sounds so stupid and egotistical and immature and selfish.  My fear is that I will be forgotten. God shows me dozens of times a day I'm not forgotten but still the ancient fear lives. 

This morning I arose later than usual since it's Saturday and the gym isn't open. I felt extremely anxious. I meditated for an hour before leaving but the anxiety persisted. I was facing a weekend without plans. I can get so depressed without contact and here I was expecting no contact for two days. On the road to the bottomless pit.

But my friend Antoinette emailed a note saying she'd drop by at 11. She did, bringing vegetable soup she makes. Twice a week she gives me vegetable soup. A kinder or more generous offer I can't imagine. Since I don't cook, food is always a challenge. I need to be very careful about my diet and she provides all the healthy, delicious vegetables I need. She's truly an Earth Mother and I love her.

We sat in my garage with the door open, enjoying the beautiful day. We talked and laughed for more than two hours. She's a realtor in business for herself and has lots of tales which intrigue me. Our time together couldn't have been more perfect. Exactly what I needed and wanted. And my mind didn't make it happen. Thank you, God. Why do I doubt?   

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