May 17, 2014

Swimming laps this morning, I think about my excitement/hope about healing and my weariness. In addition to swimming a mile I've added floor exercises, walking on the treadmill, and a few machines at the gym. My Controller is ready to jump into action and direct my progress. My fatigue tells me that needs to stop.

My Controller is the part of me that thinks, plans, acts. She strove and succeeded in my early life. It was a thrill to push hard and meet the next goal. When the doctor prescribed the medicine, she thought it was her cue to rev up. So I pushed as hard as I could, exercised more than I had for years, and knew I was returning to my younger self. 

But no. Instead I am exhausted. I'm developing a weakness in my right shoulder which I push through when I swim but I respect with the weights.

My frustration that I looked at when swimming this morning was realizing that my Controller was active but unsuccessful. How much have I (unconsciously) allowed this part of me to direct my thinking all my life? Controllers in other folks have always annoyed me, but now I'm seeing how large and pervasive my own Controller is. And it's not working.

After I swam I meditated with my friend, Vicki. The weekly meditation groups have been suspended due to the church's move and I've missed them. In our meditation this morning I realized that my Controller is not the part of me that will carry me to healing. In fact, if she is very involved not much good will follow. My guidance is to trust and to allow inspiration to guide me, not to power through based on my strong will or my intellect's goals. I need to allow God to pull me to healing. And to trust the process.

I need to go to the gym when I'm inspired to do so not because it's the next item on my To Do list. I learned to trust my inspiration when I was writing books and articles. It's a lovely cooperative partnership with the Universe. I listen, I wait to receive, and I respond. It worked well for me writing five books. It was fun, otherworldly, and not of my mind's creation.

Why does trusting that same process now for my physical healing scare me? Am I afraid that if I don't control the process it won't unfold beneficially? I see what happens when my Controller is active and it's not good. As my meditation showed me, I need to trust and to allow and to know my healing is proceeding. I need to acknowledge that other forces are at work and to let them pull me. I've done it before. In fact, I do it every day as part of my spiritual practice.

And here the rubber meets the road, so to speak. This is the bottom line, the most important issue in my life, the goal I want more than anything--to walk well again. And I'm shown I can't work on it. I can't "try." I can only trust.

We use our strengths in the first part of our lives to achieve success. Now well into my second half of life I am shown I must embrace the vulnerability that so annoyed me in the first half of life. Then it threatened to derail my success. Now it is the my only access to the path to my dreams. That's how we partner with God, through our vulnerability. So now that is the part of me I must attend to and love.

For me that means allowing much "time under the bridge." Allowing and appreciating instead of scheming and efforting. Noticing what comes instead of orchestrating the next move. 

Dare I trust God in this, the most important experiment of my life? Yes, I'm ready to trust and to surrender. I'm overjoyed about the opportunity to practice. Meditation turns on the light for me so I can see what's doing in my head and my heart. And then I can choose stillness and watch what happens.     


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