November 2, 2014

I awoke this morning from an uncomfortable dream to the chirping of a dying smoke alarm. In my dream I was in  a parking garage asking an acquaintance to give me a ride from downtown to the suburbs. I could tell he really didn't want to, so I didn't pursue it. I left, feeling alone and afraid at dusk with no hope for help.
Hearing the smoke alarm brought back memories of being awakened rudely and needlessly by  oversensitive alarms. I remembered the time in Santa Barbara when the owner had to come to change the alarm when it had been chirping loudly for four days. Smoke alarms have always meant trouble for me. I don't like them and don't want them in my home. The renters insisted which is why one remained in the office.
The group was coming at noon to meditate, I can't climb the ladder, and I don't want to ask friends for yet another favor. I had already decided not to swim, acknowledging my complaining arms. While in the shower Mike's name came to me. He's Ginny's husband but I don't know him. He does household work and yard work for a living. I wrote her an email before 6 am. He came and the jobs inside (I found another) and some yard work were completed by 9. Such a problem for me and so easily and quickly resolved.
My 5 wing doesn't expect support but, apparently, my truth has changed. Today I received what I needed exactly when I needed it. The Universe provided perfectly for me. I need to acknowledge that I'm living in a different world. I can expect support.
At the meditation group, I "got" that healing isn't primarily physical but that the physical follows the psychological. As an Enneagram 4, I'm always dealing with shame. Usually in my life, I have given in to it and lowered my head and my expectations and moved through life invisibly. Now I see that's what I must heal before I can walk.
I'm in a new world and I must hold myself differently and conduct myself confidently. I can trust life and myself and face the world from an upright head-held-high position. No more hiding or discounting myself. No more embarrassment, no more believing the shame. It's time to move up and face the world and face down my Controller and prevail. 

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