November 3, 2014

Starting last Thursday I've watched myself eat compulsively. This pattern was common until three years ago when I committed to conscious and careful eating. I've honed my diet, also.  I identify what and how much my body wants and eat only that. In the course of this process I lost 15 pounds without really being aware that I was losing weight. My motivating concern was to feel good. I chose to never again eat myself into discomfort.
So when I noticed the very old eating pattern arising last week, I watched. Usually, overeating signals an upcoming emotional event. On Saturday I experienced shame, old and hidden and very uncomfortable. On Sunday I talked about it with friends; that diminished the sting. Again today the eating was too much and I knew it while I ate. 
Many things went well today--my swim, my walking, the meditation group, a new referral. But I also bought a picture frame which I couldn't assemble. I invited Source to offer direction but I remained stumped. My efforts were totally useless. I put the project aside, noticing how unusual it was to feel a lack of the guidance I've come to expect.
Doing my journal writing this evening, I noticed the presence of shame underlying the eating. The eating started a couple days before I knew consciously that I was dealing with shame but that is the longstanding pattern. At meditation today Amber came in and sat next to me. We talked to pass a few minutes and she responded to my mention of shame. She acknowledged that shame arises so early, when we separate from our parents and from God.
A woman in the group made a fun, light-hearted comment that threw me back into some very old, shame-based feelings. I led the group but felt some heaviness afterward which I couldn't identify. Doing my journal writing I recognized the presence of the old shame. I identified it, realized that all I need do is allow it, observe it, and watch it pass. That insight seemed to diminish the heaviness immediately. And right away, the solution to the framing problem came. I finished the frame and hung the picture with no problem. Clearly, my confusion about completing that task resulted from my being cut off from myself by the shame--probably from the repressed resistance to the shame, practiced unconsciously over more than six decades.
Experiencing oneness with Source seems so clearly psychologically based for me. When I do my psychological work, physical healing follows. I noticed that more than 10 years ago but tonight it  was immediate. I can feel myself standing straighter and balancing more evenly. Yet another miracle.


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