October 21, 2014

My experimentation with over-the-counter sleep aids continues. I'm taking Ibuprofen PM at 7, Melatonin (3 mg) at 8, another Melatonin at 8:30, and two Ibuprofen at 9. It still takes thirty minutes or more to fall asleep, I awaken three times (or more) during the night, but I get 2-3 hours of solid sleep intermittently. That's new.
The greatest help has been how good I feel during the day. It's like a minor depression has lifted and I'm happy to be alive. I haven't said that often, which embarrasses me and saddens me, but it's true. Mostly I've resisted life and prayed for death. Now I want to live. I feel great about what I'm doing. The county called about another meditation group so I feel recognized and appreciated. Reports from the regular group attendees indicate change happening. One person today wrote me a long email about his insights during meditation. So very confirming.
I am making a niche for myself in this small community. I'm developing a reputation and I am ready. It's exciting to watch life unfolding and meditation opportunities opening. I'm very clear this is happening only because of my working with Spirit. I am not responsible. I do my inner work and I show up but there is an easiness to the flow of my days that is not of my doing.
It took me so long to learn these truths! I really believed what I was taught.  I tried to live according to "their" rules but it didn't work. Now I feel free but mostly blessed. In church at the end we say, "Wherever I am, God is." I feel that.
I like that I pay attention to my feelings and don't fear them. I learn from them. Even psychologists look down on embracing too much vulnerability. I had to get away from the professionals to be myself. It's really so simple. Just be myself, allow, and pay attention.

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