September 11, 2014

I don't think I've ever felt older. Yesterday I attended the first meeting of the county meditation group. I had requested the location because the parking is easy. It wasn't easy yesterday and I walked farther than I had expected. I didn't walk well and it wasn't comfortable.
I am letting go of the hope/dream/belief that I will walk well again. My Controller has been too prominent. The shift that's happening is away from my Controller. I'm recognizing my Controller in ways I hadn't before.  I need to practice a new level of surrender. My Controller tells me to consider suicide but after meditation  today I felt Normal Spry encouraging me to look for gifts I haven't noticed.
Maybe I won't retrieve what I've lost, but maybe this experience will help me open to something more subtle. Maybe I need to grow in ways I can't imagine. Surrender tells me to trust Life. So, surrender. OK. That terrifies me. But I'm clear my walking isn't improving. My meditating is. I'm very grateful to have the support of the daily group. 
Back to surrender. No more thoughts of suicide.  Committing to be here and to "endure"  sounds pretty dreary. I need to allow and to trust and to be available. I can't be the manufacturer of my miracle even though I know what I want. I think I must release it and still be humble and grateful. That seems so sad. But truly not being aligned with the Controller isn't sad; it's being more alive. I'm scared.  

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