September 22, 2014

I haven't written much lately but I have been alert and practicing. The flow evidences most clearly in emotional terms. The Friday night injections continue to drop me into an intense but short-lived depression. I move into hopelessness and thoughts about death, I recognize that this is drug-induced and that it will pass, and within 24 hours it dissipates. I talk myself through it while watching TV for distraction.

I'm glad I've had so much experience working with my feelings and my inner world. I can recognize my usual patterns and how my feelings affect my thoughts. And, thanks to meditation, I can watch both feelings and thoughts and wait them out. It isn't pleasant but it doesn't last. That's just a fact--taking this medication has side effects. I won't take them personally.

Another effect I won't take personally is the neurologist not paying attention. When he first prescribed the Ampyra he told me it would help me walk. Apparently the pharmacist called him, suggested a generic, and the neurologist approved it. When I took the bottle in at my next appt. he seemed to be unaware that I was taking the generic. His assistant reminded him that he approved it. We couldn't complete the walking test to insure refills since I wasn't taking the correct drug. He told me to find another source for the drug.

I did find the alternative source, went through the initial steps to obtain the correct drug, and began taking it. It is marvelous for helping me with my walking but has the nasty side effect of insomnia. Unfortunately, I already have insomnia. I took the Ampyra as prescribed for 18 days without sleeping adequately.

When I called his office and told the assistant to tell him the insomnia was intolerable, she reported that he said to continue taking it. If, after two weeks, I determined that it really was the medication, make an appt and come in.

Such an insult! I felt an immediate strong reaction which resulted in my requesting my primary to refer me to another neurologist with whom I think I can work. I don't feel good about paying a professional who doesn't treat me decently.

Today after the meditation group the three attendees talked among themselves. The conversation veered to frustration and blaming others. I stopped that immediately. I can't stand to see women choosing a victim role and, when they find themselves in one, I want them to take responsibility.

I know enough about that victim dynamic from decades of experience in my own life. I saw how I was creating it and how I could stop it. I did stop it and I continue to do my work daily.

One woman got it, thanked me, and hugged me on her way out. The other withdrew and walked out while I spoke to her. She just called and, again, hung up while I was talking. She's too rutted in the victim to see what she is doing. So, again I must let go and give her to Spirit.

When I speak honestly, relationships change. I don't want to be nice, ever. I always want to be honest. I can live with myself then. Many others apparently can't. That's OK.

And so the flow continues. Maybe integrating my anger will help my walking. Seems like I'm pulled to heal on every level. To that I say, YES.

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