Do You Dare to be Enough?

After I have made a huge decision, I sigh and congratulate myself and puff up a bit. And I walk around feeling self-conscious and reminding myself of my new commitment.  And this is how it was with turning my life over to God.  It was the apparent right thing to do and it wasn’t a frivolous move.  And I felt so relieved and self-congratulatory and for a few days walked around "thinking" that I should be scared.  But I got into it, saying, I’ve committed my life to God.  It’s in Her hands now.  Whatever She wants will be.  I’ll turn my money worries over to Her and let her choose the job and I will do what feels right and wait for direction.

  
It felt great.


For almost a week.

And then some boulder of anxiety rolled over me and I said, What if She forgets me?  What if it is Her will that I am homeless?  What if She doesn’t provide quite the job I know I need?  Can She really do as good a job at taking care of me as I can?  After all, look at what my ego had provided me—years of insomnia, migraines, loneliness, and ever present anxiety. Can God do that well?


The more time passed without a huge job presenting itself, the more delays with the smaller projects, the more my anxiety (read: fear) grew.  God had carried me so far and had opened so many doors through which I passed effortlessly that I couldn’t hold onto my fear that She would forget.  And I realized that my real fear was that She had something huge in store for me.  That, in fact, She wasn’t overlooking me at all but was planning much as I was.  I had always seen myself as doing something "significant."  Now my fear was that She wanted me to do something significant, also.  That is much scarier than thinking She has forgotten me.


What if She is really taking me seriously?  What if She is not a distracted parent who is placating me but is counting on me? God counting on me? God needs me? That’s a gulp. Now the pressure is on. What if I disappoint God? Let her down because I just don’t get it together fast enough. What if I’m not good enough for God? She must have incredibly high standards. Talk about a demanding Parent.


And I saw all my Unworthy Child craziness unfold. I started to get compulsive, projecting my expectations that God expects perfection. I thought of God as Other, judging me and criticizing me. A big projection. I reverted to my Child notions of an Old Testament ruler who basically hated me and wanted to catch me being inadequate. And I started to respond by working hard.  


Nuts!


Any leftover craziness surfaces when we face God. First we see ourselves, the Shadow parts we haven’t owned inside, the "powerful" parts of ourselves. We are not powerful and God is. And that’s all projection.


The truth is God needs us. Now how powerful is that? She cannot walk and talk and interact without using us. We express God on earth.


And then I realized what power that is. And that is what my fear was about. That God truly loves me and needs me and that I am very, very powerful. No more dress rehearsals. This is show time. I know how to do Inadequate-Child-Trying-to-Gain-Withholding-Parent’s-Approval.  I don’t know how to do Adult-Partner-of-God-Co-creating-in- the-World. But that is what’s up now. Whatever I do or say, that is all God has. She is not a hidden puppeteer pulling the strings. Secretly, I was hoping she was. I could just deliver myself to her and say, OK, now it’s your move.


But it isn’t right for me to abdicate myself for that is where God is—in me.  She needs my voice and my talents and my courage. It is in being all of who I am that I do Her work. My question was, But am I enough? The real question is, Do I dare to be enough?

Daring to be enough is the challenge. I have everything I need and everything God needs. Do I dare to put it out into the world? To say, look at me! Here I am! I have something to say and something to offer!


Now, you need to know that withdrawal has always been one of my favorite interpersonal styles. Withdrawal out of fear, withdrawal to hide my anger and hurt, withdrawal to be safe if not comfortable. And committing to God is releasing my attachment to my withdrawal, the escape valve when things get too hot. Now I choose the heat and stay in the heat and . . . let whatever happen. That has been intolerable in the past and now I say I am willing to do that?!?
Well, why not. If not now, when. I am over 50 and I don’t have any do-overs left. Why not make this day and this day and his day count and just do it? Why not be the best I can be? Why not take the risks I have always avoided? What’s to lose?


I can’t look backward and criticize how I’ve lived me life until this point. I only have today. The question is, Am I available to God and to myself today or do I hide out of fear? It’s my choice. It’s my life and it’s happening this minute.      

 
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