The Anxiety Addiction

In the Catholic church of my childhood I learned to say, ‘I am not worthy.’ I manifested folks who would verbalize the same for me. That felt right. I believed life is a struggle and there is virtue in struggling without reward. Outer circumstances aligned to provide me with opportunities to struggle. As long as I didn’t step back and look at the light I was shining on the situation from my thoughts, I could feel like a virtuous martyr.

 

            But repetitive victim experiences tell me that I am choosing that and somehow benefitting. I’m not struggling for a higher purpose but simply to make true my mind’s erroneous belief that I should suffer and struggle. In grade school the good sisters told me (or did I misunderstand?) that life on earth was for suffering to make up for our sins so that when we die we can go to heaven without delay in purgatory. My former classmates and I now laugh at the scary beliefs we developed from catechism class, but something seeped into the marrow of my bones and I still trip on a too easy acceptance of limitation. 

 

            My experience is that when I am ‘in the flow’ doors open.  Life welcomes me when I affirm myself.  When I recognize Spirit in me and rejoice, Life applauds.  When I share myself without comment or fear or need for any response, Life receives me. When I trust, I am given what I need. 

 

            Not so when I struggle. Anxious struggling offers my Controller comfort that her belief in limitation is correct because ‘see how I struggle and still there’s no reward?’ But when I depose the Controller, I no longer need anxiety and I can open to experience Life. And really all it takes is being present and a willingness to be vulnerable. Not doing. Definitely not struggling.  Just being and breathing and waiting and noticing. No need for anxiety in that! Just trust and acceptance – two qualities no Controller can provide.

 

 

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