The Controller

How do I know I’m operating out of a readiness and not avoiding acting out of laziness?
I meditate at least once a day, I do my journal writing, I notice what happens during the day, I’m always in communication with my Higher Power.  And then I trust.  I do all I can do and then I let go and say, ‘Your will be done.’
The difference between my will and God’s will is my motivation. When I’m needy  I’m in my Child or my Controller. If I’m in my Child and feeling particularly ungrounded that day I may want someone to like me so I’ll feel better.  I’ll more likely act co-dependently and try to make them happy for my own convoluted needs. Interacting with another from a Controller position is unfair to that other. If I’m waiting to be called and standing out of the way, I notice without reaction.  When I’m waiting I’m in my Adult.  I need to not have my needs leading but to be as transparent as possible when I enter a situation for which I’ve volunteered to be available.
If I find myself being nice I question my motivation.  I don’t trust ‘nice’ and I don’t trust nice people.  That’s a harsh thing to say.  I don’t feel like I can know someone who’s in the dance of being nice because she’s dancing with her own fantasy figure and is not present to me.  If another is truly present I’m alert, maybe a little scared but compelled to move closer.  I don’t know what’s going to happen so I’m on my toes.
God doesn’t want nice ( I think).  Neither does God want good.  As far as I know God has never said to anybody anywhere, ‘I really want you to be good today.’  Good is another way of dancing with that fantasy Controller figure. If someone is being good I feel irritated because she’s in relation to her Controller and is just using me as an opportunity to prove to her Controller than she can follow orders.  She’s not present to me.  She knows what she wants to do and she wants the rewards her Controller with bestow.  She’s concerned with that Controller, not with me.
God doesn’t ask me to do anything in particular but does ask me to be present.  It’s a Controller form of relating to God to say, ‘Oh, but I’ve done all these good things.’  Controllers can wrap up spirituality into a little box with parameters and limits, a beginning and an end.  That’s what Controllers like–something which can be known and completed.  Controllers don’t want to know God, in fact, can’t know God.  Controllers want projects, not an open-ended relationship with an invisible being.  Controllers want to understand what is going on.  Controllers prefer to stay in their heads and to think their way through life.
Experiencing our oneness with God, which is the basis for our spirituality and personal experience of power, happens consciously when we open ourselves to depths our minds don’t and can’t know.  We say, ‘I’m here and I’m available, now You take it and guide me.’  And that is power.  Power is the opposite of defining myself or trying to stand out or achieving and enhancing my value.  Power is when I myself am not seen and I allow God to work and speak and come through me.  And I don’t even know what is happening.  Of course, that can only happen after years of knowing and doing and thinking.  Then is the time when it’s valuable to let go of everything conscious and allow myself to be carried.  It’s no good to say at 25 I’ll do nothing and wait for a sign.  First we have to work consciously and with focus before we can let go in our 40s and 50s and 60s.
Being present and allowing God to fill me up is an exercise in letting go.  The more I practice this the more I find myself confronting Controllers around me who either don’t understand why I say what I’m saying or get angry with me or disparage me.  So the more I let God speak through me the more antagonism I arouse.  But also the more I learn not to be proprietary about my life.  My life is not mine to do with as my mind suggests, not after mid-life.    What I’ve chosen instead is to say, ‘It’s all yours, God.  Whatever You want, do it and I will say yes.’  That is my intention.  I have to remind myself of that choice frequently. There really is no getting comfortable and just floating.  I’m challenged all the time. 
I find a calmness when I say, ‘Your will be done.’  I’m not worrying about where I’ll live when I’m old, what I’ll do if money evaporates, how I’ll take care of myself in any circumstance.  In my young years I thought I would be safer if I married so I did.  That worked out exactly opposite of what I expected.  Since then my attempts at Control have proven to be unsatisfying.  Probably that’s why I run into so many Controllers–I have to talk to the Controller in my head, not hate her or ignore her, but love her and help her.  Controllers are always hiding pain, that’s why we developed our Controller subpersonality, to get us through those times we didn’t want to be in our hearts.  But being present to God is all about having our hearts open, no defending, no pretending.  Just being.


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