We’ve heard about surrender and trust and perhaps those words sound appealing if somewhat unsettling.  You may roll the thought around in your head and debate the advantages of each side.  But at some point it isn’t an intellectual decision anymore.  When you just can’t convince yourself to put one foot in front of the other in the same way you’ve always done it, when the moments of your life are so precious that even if you are terrified it’s preferable to being comfortably numb, something shifts in your heart and you know you must commit.  

Then you are ready. 

And you jump. 

Into what--you can’t imagine.   But you haven’t felt this much yourself in a long time so you know it’s exactly the right thing to do. 

You consult that voice inside you with every step you take.  You practice partnership-- being silent and listening and receiving and only then responding and moving and then being silent again.  You notice how the moments of your day go, how some doors present themselves and open and others slam shut.  How the phone rings when you are emotionally available or the mail that has been delayed arrives when you resolve a conflict.  You know when you’ve closed your heart by the stony cold emptiness you feel.  Your intuition becomes more valuable than your thoughts.

For me this step of partnership--acknowledging God’s presence in my life daily-- is facilitated by journal writing and meditating.  In both these ways I create a space and I receive.  With a partnership there is always dialogue.  Most of us are better at speaking than listening, so we practice listening and receiving.  We finely tune our receivers.  It’s a matter of attention.  Attending to the subtleties and nuances both inside us and around us.  Noticing patterns in what happens to us.  Finding consistency in the day when you can’t get the lid off the jar or the window open and the battery in your car has died.  Noticing that what happens to you reflects what is happening inside you, that there is a one-to-one correlation between the inside and the outside.

At some point in this process of trust and surrender and attunement, you will hear from your Controller.  This figure inside you was created to limit your vulnerability and insure your safety in the world by using logic and practicality.  She urges you to follow normally accepted ways of operating.  Your Controller is the one who says to you, ‘Use your head.’  Or, ‘Don’t expect too much.’  Or even, ‘What will the neighbors/relatives/co-workers say?’  Your Controller tells you to listen to your reason and the outside world and not to your intuition and your feelings.

Your Controller is concerned with fitting in with others and being accepted by them so, of course, when you make this leap into the unknown her anxiety skyrockets.  That’s a sign that you have realigned your allegiance.  She will tell you that it’s not reasonable or realistic to live by following your intuition.  Logically speaking in the short term, she may be right. 

In the eternal scheme of things, however, it is not realistic to live any way other than by aligning with God (Your Higher Power, the Universe).  You know who will prevail in the end so the winning side is clear.  If you want to fool around in the first part of your life and try your hand at creating an ego and an empire, that’s fine.  But once you walk through your 40s and 50s, you may not be content with such mundane concerns.  You have learned how to master daily life and have received the rewards and . . . so what?  It’s fine but it isn’t enough.  This leap into the unknown engages your passion and your trust.  This is the only way of living your life that allows you to feel completely alive.  It is only with the acknowledgment of the Divine in our consciousness which shows in our everyday activities that we experience the wholeness which we know in the marrow of our bones is our birthright.  It is the only satisfying and, yes, reasonable way to live.

So, without understanding what we are committing to, we commit to the process of trust and surrender.  The process becomes all important, not the outcome or the appearance.  We are not doing this to earn something or to get somewhere.  We align with the deepest part of ourselves for wholeness and unity.  We know we are not living our lives completely and fully by just staying in our heads and being successful and nice and respectable.  It is only by allowing  the God essence in ourselves to guide us that we are truly living in integrity.

Being a partner with God is simple.  It demands only that we listen, receive, and say, ‘Yes.’  Nothing complicated there.  It is only our fear that blocks us.  It is not feeling our fear that is the problem but it is not feeling fear (which truly is present) and pretending it’s good judgment we’re using.  Our Controllers are so adept at rationalizing and seeming Adult that sometimes it is hard to see the fear behind the Controller’s words.  It is always feeling some feeling directly and responsibly and completely that the Controller wants to avoid.  She uses good reasons to not be present to herself and, thus, to God. 

If you need to avoid anything inside yourself, you are avoiding God.  God is present in the ugliness inside you and in your hate and greed and immaturity and hurt and selfishness and shame.  The Controller is in your self righteousness and apparent togetherness and your political power.  Your Controller, who pushes you to participate in the social order, is not God.  Your Controller may lead you to organize the church bazaar which is praiseworthy, but your Controller is not doing God’s work. 

It is fine and often laudable to do good works.  It is valuable to go to church.  But neither of these necessarily comes from the depths of who you are.  Churches encourage character development.  Nothing wrong with that and it contributes to the community and culture proceeding smoothly.  Religion structures our freedom and points us in a direction which may be good for us but it offers us an external referent.  It gives us the rules and assumes the authority.  Again, there is nothing wrong with that at a certain point in our lives.  Before we learn to know our own inner authority, the conscience the church provides keeps us in line. 

Being active in the church may come from our Controllers who prefer focusing on behavior rather than the open-endedness of consciousness and oneness with God and momentary attunement.  It is easy to ‘do.’  It is defined and time limited.  But to ‘be,’ well, that’s another story.  Being/consciousness doesn’t end.  It doesn’t cease when we sleep or when we’re silent or even when we die.  It is ongoing, constantly evolving.  And it is our job to continue this refinement of our own consciousness that permits the experience of greater and greater oneness with God.

For, really, that is all there is.  God is.  We are expressions of God.  We use the first part of our lives to enhance our separateness.  We develop strong egos and good reputations.  In our 40s, 50s, and beyond, we release our striving and realize that the struggle itself is the problem. 

So, we choose to just be. We be and we breathe and we wait.